August peanuts

• Rachel, six hours ago [August 1]: "Matthew, do you have your silverware?" [for his campout] Matthew: [exasperated sigh] "Yes, Mom. I packed it." Just now: Rachel finds Matthew's silverware on the counter. He is going to be so pissed in the morning. And he will come home and blame his Mom.
• Rachel: "Matthew, Tommy's bored. Give him a water bottle to play with." A few minutes later: "Why is Tommy soaked?" Matthew: "I guess the water bottle wasn't closed all the way."
• David the motivational speaker: "When you first started working out, your back was buttery smooth. I can almost see muscles in places now."
• David kicked my butt so hard today [August 5] that sitting at a desk seems like too much effort. Working from bed instead.
• Isaac, on the way home from camp: "I NEED TO PEE!" Rachel: "Can you wait five minutes until we're home? "No! I need to pee now!" "Okay, I'm going to pull over at the Wells Fargo up ahead. You can use their bathroom." "I can only wait ten seconds! 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!" A puddle starts to spread. "You made me pee my pants!"
• David: "It's not too late to take a 'before' picture. Take off your shirt, stick out your gut, and look sad."
• Rachel: "Matthew, you stink. You need to shower as soon as we get home." Matthew: "Can't it wait until tomorrow?" "No. Then you'd get your sheets dirty." "Ohhhhh... so THAT's why my sheets smell funny!"
• Me: "Today our workout included jumping. With 150 pounds on our shoulder." Rachel: "Those must have been tiny jumps." "Yes."
• Rachel thinks it's hysterical that after I bought chips and junk food for Isaac's birthday party, HEB printed me out a coupon for $3 off produce on my next trip.
• Me: "This is confusing. We have two Nicoles in Sales at DataStax." Rachel: "Fire one."
• Me, getting ready for the fourth set of inverted rows: "Oof." David: "Do a bridge if you need to catch your breath." Me: "Sitting here sucking wind is working pretty well for me." David: "That kind of thinking is what got you into your present shape."
• Matthew got up well before 7 today. This was a bad idea. Here are some of the things that made him grumpy: Minecraft was laggy. The garden had weeds in it. Melissa had the computer when he wanted it. Mom told him to apologize for being rude to Melissa. Isaac existed. The barbecue only smelled average. Doing the dishes. Going to bed instead of doing the dishes.
• Isaac on full-day kindergarten: "It was too long! Tomorrow you can pick me up earlier."
• Me: "This body wasn't built for sprinting." David: "Well, it sure wasn't built for distance. So where does that leave you?"