Unhappy Mama

This is a pity post; you have been forewarned.

Took the kids to see Isaac tonight, and went to his room only to learn he'd been moved. I get to his new location and the phlebotomist is there using the lab reader to check his glucose. I ask his bedside nurse what was going on, why weren't they using the glucometer? Apparently someone is in a tizzy again about the glucometer being used because there isn't a protocol written for it for the NICU and the nurses aren't trained in how to use it. What the?!? Aren't trained??? It takes less than 5 minutes to be "trained" to use this device. I look around the room and see pumps, drips, lines, ventilators, and other complicated pieces of equipment, and a glucometer is out of the realm for training!?! ARHHHH! The bedside nurses who have used it with Isaac have had no problem, and the lab reader requires much more blood than the glucometer. Isaac has already had 2 blood transfusions due to all the blood they've needed to take out of him; I'd like to avoid a 3rd, thank you very much. Plus, when we go home, we will be using a glucometer, not a high end lab reader. Later that evening I spoke with the NP when she finally got out of a meeting. She agreed to allow the glucometer for the evening, but it looks like we may be in for round 3 in this fight tomorrow. I don't get the bureaucracy, his doctors have approved it for his use. They've gone all the way to the head of the NICU. Why, oh why does this keep coming up?

I looked at Isaac's poor heal this evening. It seems the nurses favor his right heal, and it is dark purple and scabbed over with pokes. His other heal is not bad, and neither are his fingers. Tomorrow I'm going to talk with the nurses about using other parts of his anatomy to stick.

The room we were in was an isolation room. Isaac was placed there because he came from home. It was quiet and somewhat private. Now he's in a big open room with lots of other babies. It is incredibly loud. Nearly every baby was crying, and we seemed to be right next to the nurses' gossip station and they were quite loud too. It was yak, yak, yak, amid the wailings, and beeping of the monitors. Poor Isaac. I'm also concerned because he is right next to another baby with the same name (though spelled slightly differently). What if someone isn't paying attention or gets careless with medication or procedures?

Isaac is also sharing a nurse with a baby on the opposite side of the room that has many wires and tubings. This has me concerned that little attention will afforded to him because it's just not possible. I know his basic needs will be met, but no one will hold and rock him when I'm not there. And he needs to be held! Who will comfort him when he cries? No one will be there to love him, when I'm gone. I hate, hate, hate this situation!!!!!!!

It just rends my heart to leave him, and now I am very worried. My heart is torn in two. I worry and miss Isaac when I'm home, and I feel terrible about missing out on time with Matthew and Melissa when I'm at the hospital. I should be there to pick Matthew up from kindergarten and hear all about his day when it is fresh on his mind. I should be snuggling more with Melissa and taking her to story time at the library. Instead I am a tired, sometimes cranky Mama, who is insufficient for any of my children.
[Jonathan's postscript: when we called at 4 AM during a pumping wake, his nurse said she'd found the authorization for the NICU head for the glucometer and was printing a sign to hang on his crib to let everyone know that It Was Approved Thank You Very Much.]

It could be worse

We could be taking our child through the door marked "Oncology," like the woman and her eighteen month old we saw.  I don't know for sure that the toddler was a patient, but either way, I hope I never know what that's like.

Quick update

Isaac does well on the Lantus, but at rounds yesterday they said they were taking him off of it to see how the glyburide (the sulfonylureas) affects him without the Lantus muddying the waters.  This week's neonatologist (a new guy, not Dr. Chan) pointed out that even if the glyburide just reduces the amount of insulin he needs, it's still worth it.
He was up to 6 lb 5 oz.
Yesterday morning was the first time I've fed any of our newborns.  Rachel took the older kids for some Mommy Time so I went up with Grandma (Linda) to see Isaac and bottle-fed him.  He was very alert afterwards, just looking around and chilling with me in the rocking chair.  He fell asleep just before it was time to check his glucose again.  At least at 11 he didn't need more insulin, so he just got a shallow poke.  Then Grandma took a turn feeding him and he fell right asleep.  In the evening, it was Rachel's turn to go up.
Rachel pointed out the other day that little Isaac's already had far more needles in him in his two weeks of life than she has had in almost thirty.  Poor kid.

When Isaac Comes Home...

I intend to rock him all through that first night. Just the two of us.

In the hospital, we rocked, nursed, and snuggled then I had to say goodnight and walk away. Not to complain, but this is very hard.